Old advice column

Some of the many books I’ve bought were Dear Abby and Ann Landers collections of advice columns. I think that I read them to help myself deal with my emotions instead of ignoring my emotions. They were also very helpful in thinking about questions of philosophy.

For example, one column from about 50 years ago was written by a distressed wife. She said her husband was asking for divorce after many years of marriage. (He never said, but she suspected there was another woman.) The woman said she did not want to hold somebody against their will and asked what she should do next. The advice was something like “Hold the fort. You married in sickness and in health. This is sickness.” In the book, the woman wrote a second letter later and said that her husband recovered, came back, and blessed her for not giving up when he was “temporarily insane” and thus saving their marriage.

So for me, I was ready to deal with this situation. But only ready from the noble side. Unfortunately, with me and my p0rn usage, I was much closer to that cheating husband.

My wife has forgiven me and is moving on. She does not blame, she asks about if I looked at p0rn when she needs to. I am so lucky. She could have given up an me and she didn’t. I messed up so many time and she stayed with me. Now, (hopefully, **hopefully**, HOPEFULLY) I’ve turned a corner and can stay in my growing in faith, more able to handle temptations, and deal with my sexual impulses and fantasies.

I am that husband who came to his senses and realize how much I almost threw away. For me, this is a”beginning” of a recovery phase. I need to keep studying the Bible. I need to keep growing in faith. I need to keep “staying strong”. And most important, I need to make this up to my wife. She’s given me so much by staying with me; it’s my turn to give back to her. I realize my limitations; I may give all I have and still not fully repay her. I will try for the rest of my life.

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Please, Lord, change me. Change me into a loving person, dedicated to you, who can love others as you first loved me. Amen

Clarification to my last post

I would like o add some details to my dear readers; my desperation in my p0rn temptations has decreased from a crack addict to a kid in a candy store. HOWEVER. My levels of lustful fantasy has probably stayed close to the same.

It is indeed glorious to have the edge off during my p0rn temptations. The rest of it seems to have stayed the same. Maybe I studying the Bible more and my conscience seems to have awakened, but my sexual fantasies have remained about the same.

I still think of tying up my sexual partner. I still have episodes in my head that make most of my viewed p0rn look unimaginative. I still start out lots of sexual daydreams before I try to stop myself. That hasten’t gone away.

At hospitals, they use pain scales — have 10 be the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, etc. Some of my temptations were an 8 or a 9. Very severe, almost a mental compulsion, like having many of your teenage friends all urgently urging you to do something. Now, it’s more like a 5 or a 6. Like shopping at the mall and smelling the cinnemon buns. Or the urge to quit when you’re too tired to keep going.

Even with a 5 temptation, it’s not a slam-dunk to resist. I see myself with the ability to look at porn in the future, especially if I let my temptation wear down my will power.

The biggest conclusion is SOMETHING happened. My temptations moved from “just past out of control” to a more manageable “big pull towards sinful stuff*. With all the pain, shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing in my past, my temptations are even **more** manageable. So I am very grateful to God for helping me “move away from my sinful cliff edge.”

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Please, Lord, change me. I love you and want to please you. I hope to someday to everything in awareness of your glory. Amen.

A fever has broken …

Last weekend, I had a serious form of the flu. It involved a lot of mucus, ache-y-ness, and chills. This time, I had the series of chills that led into being cold and shivering under the covers. After a while, my fever broke and My body temperature returned to normal. Sometimes that happens and it’s a turning point in my being sick. I have a fever and then I go to not having a fever.

This is kinda what happened to me with my p0rn. I don’t know exactly. But the fever seems to have broken.

To explain: Part of my horrible attraction to p0rn has been my mental reaction to p0rn. I refer to it as my brain on crack. It’s the feeling of intensity that crowds out all other thoughts in my head. It’s part of the dread I feel when thinking of quitting — I anticipate that rush.

I would be thinking of quitting p0rn, thinking of how hard it would be. When I used to think about quitting, I would always have some uncertainty about what would happen when that intense temptation would come.

And, now, the edge is gone. The fever has broken. My temptations are not as intense as they used to be. Why? I was begging and pleading with God to take away my temptation for p0rn, for years. He didn’t take it away. I started this blog to lessen my temptations. I still had lots of intense temptations and I still looked at p0rn. I shifted to this new situation four months ago and I still had those intense ideas in my head.

Then I looked at p0rn last week. And those intense feelings were gone.

I can’t explain it. The only possible explanation is that my listening to the Bible and my studying FINALLY put me over the edge. I somehow became a more rightous man. How?? I don’t know.

I still have temptations. It’s the level of a nagging itch rather than a mental obsession. I can deal with the itch. I am so grateful to having this intense lust for p0rn toned down to a more manageable level. Thank you God. Merry Christmas.

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God, I am a lustful sinful person. I want to be a more rightious man. Please, Lord, change me.

For old times sake …

I was going good. Spent the last four months in a new, supportive situation. Listened to my New Testament on cd. And yet, last week, I looked at p0rn.

The “blast from my past.” The old “build up and have to give in.” I thought about one of the tied-up video that I missed and wanted to see if there were any updates. So I logged in and checked for some updates. Yeah, the familiar “end of the cycle” that happened so many times.

That was depressing. It hurt. This was a giant personal failure. It was my personal affront against God.

For months I’ve be praying “Please, Lord, change me.” Many, many times. And I still looked.

In the past, after looking at p0rn, I would despair because I could not see myself getting past my obsession with p0rn. That I was forever doomed to suffer from it. That I had no hope.

This time, it was different. I looked for about a half hour, more flipping thru and anticipating than actually watching. Looked without euthesiam. And I never had the cocaine-mental-rush.

So maybe, hopefully, I’m past the whole addiction thing. More later.

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Please Lord, change me. Forgive me for my lustful sin. Amen

Three years ago …

… I started this blog. Happy anniversary.

My initial reaction is a deep sense of shame. Shame at how long I’ve been struggling without leaving p0rn. I was so idealistic and naive. Back then, I was gonna start my blog, have a rough couple of months, and finish the year with p0rn-free living. Well, that didn’t happen. Back then, I hoped to walk away from p0rn. Now, I just hope to move away from it a little, while always being tied to it mentally.

I am also amazed. Amazed at the amount of struggling I’ve done in those three years. More shame at my realization of what went on BEFORE the last three years; lots of cycling. I tried to quit, went a little while, looked at p0rn, regret, start over. Wash, rinse, repeat.

In one of these posts, I reflected on something I read; that it takes four years to quit an addiction. Three years ago, I would have scoffed. Today, it seems like a deadline that’s possible, but one I may barely make.

I started this blog to impose one sense of accountability. It didn’t stop me from looking, it just increased the price to my self-esteem when I did look.

In three years, I’ve seen other bloggers like me, writing a blog about their struggles. Most have disappeared. I assume that they’ve either fallen back into p0rn or escaped with another method. I sometimes envy them, thinking that giving into their struggles is more peaceful than living with it every day.

The last three years are different than any other “quitting period” in my life in that **I’m starting** to see my p0rn struggles as a smaller part in God7s plan for me. Three years ago, I didn’t. Three years ago, I hoped to leave that part of me behind, in some psychological miracle. Now, I’m taking it with me and learning to live with my sinful lust.

I just read somebody else’s blog about they’re looking at p0rn. I chuckle to myself over the familiar yet painful concepts. Truly, “there go I but for the grace of God.” I’ve been p0rn free since last summer, but I could very easily fall, and fall harder than that other blogger. So I will just keep going and see where the next three years take me.

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Please, Lord, change me, into a righteous man. Help me love you enough to follow your will, grateful for all you have given me. Amen.

Hanging in there

Hope and dread.

That’s what I’m feeling. I sat down to do an update and that’s what popped out.

Hope in that my current progress is very hopeful. I am listening to God’s word, the Bible. I am taking time before sleep to meditate on Christian teachings. I am staying away from p0rn. Since changing my life ten weeks ago, it seems sustainable.

Dread in that I will never leave my former self behind. Never. I will truly be the alcoholic, one drink away from a drunken bender. Or in my case, one p0rn site away.

I can see God’s plan in this. I still resent being this helpless with my sin. I can’t argue against the logic of my sins leading me back to God seeking forgiveness. My stupid pride wonders if there is another way. I can see this leading me away from p0rn. Part of me doesn’t want to leave. My logical response to all this resistance is a feeling of dread. “Sooner or later …”

Ten weeks ago, I started a new part of my life. The transition was hard, I felt a lot of stress. Ten weeks ago, the stress was large, I was coming home every night and complaining (a lot) to my wife. Now, I’m getting by. I’m getting used to the stress. I can see where that will become “normal” and I’ll handle that part of my life.

Back to hope; I really, really, REALLY hope that my quest for more righteousness and staying away from p0rn becomes my new normal. I’m not there yet.

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Please, Lord, change me. Make me a righteous man. Help sustain my love for you and let that love show in my actions. Amen.

New cycle

It’s been great in the last two months. My life has changed. I’m seeming better. my temptation level has gone down. I’ve totally avoided p0rn.

My recent observation; this is all the same old p0rn cycle, just expanded.

Damn. Damn me. That sucks. This is not an escape, just an interlude. I might be praying a lot “Please, Lord, change me”, but I’m still the same lustful, sinful, p0rn-looking asshole I was before. My cycle is still there. I’m still the an alcoholic, so to speak.

Instead of being three to five weeks (or even five days) between times when I looked at p0rn, it’s now a number of months. I feel the urges building up again. I feel the relaxing of my resolve.

In terms of my p0rn cycle, I’m in the middle; the part where I relax, my shame goes away, and I slowly decrease all the good habits. I might be in a life-changing time, but it now feels just like another cycle.

I can never escape myself.

Maybe this will be the rest of my life. a constant cycle of weakness followed by a desperate running back to God. It’s humiliating that I can’t resist p0rn better on my own, but it’s the truth. I love my being closer to God. I resent that I can’t obey him without a LOT of his support. “I’m supposed to be better that that!!!”

The cycle of running back to God is better than the cycle of looking at p0rn. I wish that I could just separate a little bit more from p0rn in this new cycle.

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Lord, no matter how much I fool myself, I’m the same weak, lustful sinner. Please, Lord, change me. Keep changing me. Amen.

Seeking Righteousness

After my last posting, I had misgivings. It still feels pompous to think that I’m seeking righteousness. Much like a modern-day pharasee, Polished on the outside, corrupt on the inside. Doing the right thing for the wrong, self-serving reason.

It is foolish quest, my own version of Don Quixote, charging against my personal windmill. “We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.” Isaiah 64:6 Earning my salvation is far beyond me, indeed, I have done nothing to deserve or earn it.

So why bother?? I bother to become a better person for God’s sake. I love God and I love Him for all the things He’s done for me. I want to become a better who seeks after the ways of God and flees p0rn temptations. Not just stand still and resist — but moves in another direction entirely.

And besides, there are Biblical reason for seeking righteousness:

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Matthew 5:6

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

Abraham was a sinful man, his works were filthy rags, he too was tempted. But his faith was “… credited to him as righteousness.” I will never achieve his righteousness or his glory or anything, but I want to be moving in that direction.n Towards God. Away from p0rn.

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Please, Lord, change me … into a righteous man. Amen.

“… into a righteous man.”

My resistance to p0rn is going well. Since the big change in my life in August, I’ve been busy. Too busy to figure out a way to schedule a time to write more in this blog. Which is good right now, because it keeping me away from temptation. For now.

My temptation is similar to a description of armed combat I saw; large blocks of boredom interspersed with brief moments of terror. Most of the time, I’m great. Don’t even think of p0rn. But the old, corrupt, lustful me has not died. It comes charging back with intense fantasies and incredibly sweet and lustful memories, that ignore the past pain and guilt. I recall the story in Matthew 12:43 & 44, where the demon goes out for a while and then comes back. I can see my demon coming back.

I’m working to prevent that. My past mentioned “change me, don’t just avoid p0rn.” My past-mentioned “growing closer to God.” My past mentioned “Please, Lord, change me.” I’ve extended that to “Please, Lord, change me, into a righteous man.”

I want the type of relationship that I’m following God more for my love and appreciation for Him than to avoid being a disgusting human being. That will lead me into the type of person who avoids p0rn because of who they are, not just because of their behavior.

I want a tiny part of what Abraham had with God. I’ll never have that level of faith. I just want to do something with my love for God with the result that I’m pleasing him. I like the idea of, like Abraham, getting “credited with righteous.” If only a little bit.

Is it possible?? Is it too ambitious?? Is it too self-serving?? Maybe to all of the above. It’s scary to write this — very far-reaching and maybe too much, beyond my abilities. Leaving myself open to self-ridicule, at the very least.

As my dear readers have seen in the past blogs, I change my goals and my approach. This is my current approach.

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Please, Lord, change me; into a righteous man. May my love for you lead me to please you. Amen.

New life update

It has been a month since my life changed and changed for the better. I’m very busy in the adjustment. It is a type of rebirth, where with any new venture, one confronts, one adapts, one grows, one becomes acclimated to the situation, one starts growing confidence.

My past still haunts me. Just like a “former” alcoholic, my urges are still there. I’m doing a lot more Bible study, doing a lot more praying. I’m growing closer to God in a slow but sure way.

BUT …

I’m still the same, lustful person I was four months ago when I looked at p0rn. That hurts a lot. There seems to be no escape. I’m stuck with this for the rest of my life.

The month has seen some new healing. I’ve grown closer to God. I’m trying to live a more righteous life; instead of not adjusting as much and then playing a mental game of “avoiding something”. For me, that’s hopeless in the long run. “Don’t break the lamp” and a person jumps and twitches every time they walk into the room. And in my case, I keep telling myself “don’t break the lamp, don’t break the lamp, …” until I finally knock it off the table. Now, I’m working toward something, really, instead of just avoiding something. Very small mental difference. Large motivational difference. Sounds much better, I hope I can keep it up.

One viewpoint of my current situation is I’m in a action movie, where I’m the hero dramatically running away, trying to beat the oncoming explosion. I’m not trying to stop it, I’m just trying to get far enough away from it to survive. (Hopefully, be dramatically thrown in a dramatic way, then roll over and look back in a serious, dramatic glance.)

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Lord, I’ll keep praying — Please, Lord, change me. Keep changing me. Change me for thy will. I7m scared of failing, of disappointing you. Please keep me in your ways. Amen.