What kind of addict am I??

About five years ago, I went to several meetings for a support group suggested by my pastor. At those meetings, other people would stand up and start by saying “My name is such-n-such and I am a sex addict.” When it was my turn, I started by saying “My name is such-n-such and I am a porn addict.”

Back then, I was differentiating between them and me. We both had mental sexual problems. They were people who acted out their impulses, I was at the porn level. I may have been trying to make myself better than they, but used the logical difference of they acted out different behaviors.

Now I’m still differentiating. From a driver’s training area, I got that a major cause of aggressive driving is a loss of personal control. Taking that to me, I’m thinking of the possibility that a major cause of my viewing porn is … ah … something.

Without knowing that something, sometimes my porn viewing is an attempt at me … ah … something else. In my fantasies, I’m setting up the situation. I determine how the female involve will behave. I’ve limited her responses.

In viewing porn, I’m in charge. I get my gratification. I go to whatever viewing areas I please. I stay and linger where I find pleasure. It really feels like a control issues because so many aspects point to control and release.

Taking that aggressive driving example, something is driving my porn viewing. (Pun again intended.) To just throw a thought out there, I’m maybe trying to get pleasure through porn because I deny myself pleasure through so many of my insecurities. I’m not feeling too sure, but to continue; I’m getting pleasure in that way because it’s my strongest sexual passion.

Maybe I also use porn and bondage because its separate from the rest of my regular life. If it was too close, I would use my flowchart-brain to feed it into the rest of my life. That would defeat it being an escape.

After those thoughts, its possible to think I’m not such a porn addict and I’m looking at porn to express something or cover up something. Thus I’m not a “porn addict”, I am rather an “express or escape” addict. And any determinations of root causes can only be helpful in the long run.

This has potential for quitting porn. It also has possibilities for self-delusion. Thank you dear readers for staying with this monologue. I’ll let you know about further insights.

Lord, whatever my internal thoughts and reasons, keep my heart, mind, and soul focused on you. Amen