“Why” #4 — I’ve never really given porn up

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” Rita Mae Brown

Once I was sucking on some coffee-flavored candy at my brother’s house. (Which I love because I also love coffee.) My three-year-old niece asked for a piece. I still smile when I think of her reaction; you would have thought she sucked a lemon with such a pucker and such a sour face. She stopped sucking it and never asked me for another one.

That’s NOT how I react to looking at porn.

For many years, I quit porn without really-really-really quitting porn. So my fourth reason for falling back into sin in still lean toward going back, no matter what I saw and no matter what I think.

To make myself feel better, I remember a Bible example from the life of Cain in the book of Genesis. When Cain was angry, God-actually-talked-to-Cain. He tried to warn him off. God told Cain he was about to sin and to not be angry; and what did Cain do? Cain set up his brother by inviting out to the field and then killed him. Yup, me and Cain both resist what God is trying to tell us.

I typed yesterday about my lustful attraction for women in bondage. Every time I try to give porn up, I feel myself still wanting porn. My sinful self still wants it with an intensity that almost pulls me towards it. So my latest reason is I never get closure from porn because I never mentally give it up. And to me, that makes it harder to quit.

Yes, this mentally dishonest. Yes, I telling myself I need to quit. Yes, I want to avoid it. BUT part of my mind still holds on and I don’t change that. It feels like a drug addict who physically desire that next hit.

Again, something to work on. This is trying to be an honest reflection and it’s not so worried about presenting myself in a good light

Lord, I’m fighting against myself in quitting my adulterous habit of porn. Help me quit and walk with You. Amen.

“Let us also die with Jesus.
His death from the second death,
From our soul’s destruction, frees us,
Quickens us with life’s glad breath.
Let us mortify, while living,
Flesh and blood and die to sin;
And the grave that shuts us in
Shall but prove the gate to heaven.
Jesus, here I die to Thee
There to live eternally.” Amen